Salvation Wanted

Dear Blogger:

I now have proof that I am simply not meant to be truly happy in life. Care to know about the new evidence to prove my assertion? I'll tell you anyways.

After months of being clinically depressed and hurting myself, I finally found a small patch of happy sunlight to bathe in. I was truly happy for about a week. Then, things got extremely ugly and excruciatingly painful for me again. It all happened today. It all hit me at once as things have been going as of late.

Recently, I've been in a few very sticky situations and I ended up doing the "right" thing. But I always ask myself, if it was the "right" thing to do, why do I always feel the crappy repurcussions from them? Perhaps it's because I hate being the bearer or bad news and because I hate being caught in the middle of other people's businesses. I don't know. All I know is that I seem to be blamed for all the trouble everyone has been getting in because of THEIR own problems that I just brought to light. It's not justified in my eyes, but it doesn't matter what I think anymore since those people have cut me off for the time being because I simply cared about them and didn't want to see them hurt. Ugh! Whatever..

Next is the whole college bit. I finally decided where I wanted to go and was completely excited about it, up until I told my family. A few were happy for me because it's what I really want, but a majority of them protested. Just so you all know, I am going to attend Chaminade University of Honolulu, Hawai'i come fall. I will be a Silversword! Whoo! But my family wants me to go to the other top choice I have: UC San Diego. They don't want me going so far from home. Ugh! I'm standing my ground no matter what. I've wanted to go to Hawai'i for schooling for so long now. I'm not about to pass that chance up.

Lastly, boys. I don't want to mention names, but I'm sure some people who read this will know exactly who I am talking about. I don't want them mentioned, please. Anyways.. I'll refer to them as No.1 and No.2 since that's pretty much what they are. I don't want to go into the background history, so I'll just give you what's happened tonight.
No.1 was absent from my life for a while. No.2 came into the picture then, after waiting for years to be able to do so. Here's the sucky part: everything about No.2 is perfect; he'd be the best match for me overall, but the minor detail missing here: my heart belongs to No.1. I can't just ignore my heart, ya know. Anyways.. No.2 is helping me get through my rough patches right now. No.1 came back into the picture. Everything is now messed up because of all the history I have with both of them and because they both love me. I'm in that little triangle of doom. And to top things all off, No.2 is now in the hospital and he might not come out this time. I have no idea what I'm to do.

Sorry I made no logical sense. I'm really freaking out over all this. Grr.. I just want to be genuinely happy for longer than a few days at a time. I want to be able to laugh and smile without any sadness at all. Why am I not allowed to have such a thing? I don't get it.

-Kat