Devastation

Dear Blogger:

I received some heartbreaking news late last night.

The house I grew up in. The same one that was inhabited by my family for over four decades and sheltered us for three generations. The place I called my home away from home, the one I had built so many memories in. That exact house will be up for sale in coming days.

I am still trying to process and come to terms with it, but I can't at the moment. Maybe it's just my inability to let things go. Maybe it's just overly attached self. I don't know for certain, but I do know that the news is not sitting right with me.

I knew something was going to be done with the house. The reality of the matter is that something was going to be done with it. It was almost inevitable. Maybe I had really hoped it would have been fixed up a bit and put up for rent. Surely there were plenty of families inquiring about it.

However, I didn't expect to fully lose the house so soon--just as I was working through some other challenges. That, in itself, is not settling nicely. Something does not agree with this decision. I do not agree with this hasty decision I was ill informed about. I am not happy, and I am beyond upset with what's to come.

I can't place my finger on it, but a force is whispering to me that this is not what is meant to happen right now. There are still too many issues that have not been addressed and resolved.

I can't have that. My grandma would not have that.

-Kat

Candid Thoughts

Dear Blogger:

I think the thing I like most about you is that you aren't as popular as other blogging sites. At least, on my page, you don't bring in too much traffic--if any at all--and I enjoy that aspect. I can be as candid and raw as I want without having too much criticism or anything.

And I want to just say...

I still love him. There hasn't been a single day that's gone by where I have not thought of him. Every day I see little reminders of him. I still do not know what to do with such sentimental items, but that's okay. I am taking it one day at a time.

Part of me wants to still be with him. Part of me wonders what he's been up to. Part of me still worries about his well-being. Part of me is too deeply hurt to wholeheartedly wish him well. But the silver lining in all this, I still love him. I still care too much, and that's just how it'll be. My feelings have run deep for him since the first day I met him, and that still rings true today.

He'll never know it though. I'm slowly coming to terms with that. He'll never understand my love for him. He'll never know the suffering or the darkness. He'll never feel the agonizing death of his heart being broken.

*sigh* But that's where I'm at now. Still shrouded in suffocating blackness. Still inching my way through muddy waters. Still coping with the process.

-Kat

Waste of a Quarter Century

Dear Blogger:

The time is 3:54 PM.

I find myself sitting in the local Emergency Room (yet again), waiting to be given those god-awful drugs that help calm the raging storm inside my head.

How did I end up here? Why am I here?

I wish I could say this is a rare occasion for me. It's not. At least, it's starting to become a recurring incident. I worry about that. I fear becoming a regular. I'm scared of being admitted, or worse, committed.

But here I am again. This is the second time I've come in, in the past couple months. Still the same reasoning, but the intensity has gotten worse. At least I wasn't alone this time. Group members helped ease the process of checking in and waiting.

I wish I didn't have to go through this. I wish I was "normal," or at least, "better" than I am. I wish I could confidently say that I am okay.

But I can't; I'm not.

I have some thoughts resonating in my head. They aren't pleasant, not even in the least bit. I wish I could shut those thoughts off. Sadly, I can't. I tried engaging in some intensive CBT work and other techniques to help "change my thoughts, change my behaviors, change my outlook." None of it worked out for me.

It's a big waste. I feel like the opportunities to grow from these experiences is slipping by. I feel like I am wasting valuable time and efforts, but I can't do much about that... I'm a waste. A waste of time, space, energy, effort. You name it, I'm wasting it all away.

I guess that's how it's been all my life. In the 25 years of life I've had, I've just been a waste. I hear it time and time again. There has to be some truth to that when it's been repeated multiple times from various people, right?

I am 25, a recent graduate with daunting student debt. I have no job, no car, no career, no future. I have nothing to my name. I have no motivation, inspiration, strength or will to continue on. I'm exhausted; I'm tired of the pain. I'm done with everything I've sabotaged and let slip away.

If I'm such a nuisance, I should just not be so anymore... What good am I to society if all I am is just a big waste? I should just go...

That's where I'm at now. I may cease existing soon. It may be for the best. I don't know anymore...


Current time is 7:56 PM.

I hope I can pull through tonight. I hope there's some hope waiting for me in the form of tiny tablets.

-Kat

Bitter Emotions in the Morning

Dear Blogger:

First thoughts of the day.

"Be soft. Do not let the world make you hard. Do not let the pain make you hate. Do not let the bitterness steal your sweetness."

...too late...

I've tried keeping up a strong front, but who am I trying to kid? I still care too much, and I always will. It still pains me knowing you could just leave like that. The memories that replay in my head haunt me. It also hurts how you didn't take any of the responsibility for the consequences that followed and refuse to do your brunt of the work. 

You said I'd be fine, while wholeheartedly knowing that I won't be, and as much as I'd like to prove you wrong, I can't. I'M NOT OKAY. I'M NOT FINE. I'M NOT BETTER.

But I guess that's how it is and that's alright... It's about time I stopped trying so hard to be nice and kind. The beauty around me is slowly starting to fade away and I'll eventually bask in grayscale landscape. I was a martyr for love, but I need to go back to being apathetic and a cynic of the world. At least that's what I feel I need for some undetermined amount of time as I try to get back on my feet.

I wish for a miracle to help with the process. Please give me something other than time; time just isn't cutting it anymore.

-Kat

Random Thoughts

Dear Blogger:

I'm an emotional wreck.

I'm selfish. I'm insecure as hell. I've become socially inept.

I need to change that. Only problem, I don't know how.

-Kat

Potentials of Coming Back

Dear Blogger:

It's been almost 4 years to date since I last visited and shared my thoughts with you. I may start doing that again. I am contemplating it. If I do decide to come back, you'll know. I hope you understand.

-Kat

Transitions

Dear Blogger:

I kind of miss blogging on here. I think it's because everything is so simple and neat-looking. That's probably it, because I was just comparing this site to Xanga.

Xanga is my baby. It always has been and always will be. I don't quite know why I would still choose it over Blogger, but I always would. Blogger is nice to look at for it's simplicity and easy navigation, but Xanga just has more history with me.

Maybe I like Xanga more because it has been through my worst and best times, whereas Blogger has been fairly new. Blogger just doesn't have the same feel to it. I'm not as passionate on here. Though, I will admit that I have been lacking much passion in my blogs on Xanga. Bah! I will work on that soon.

So, all in all. I must say that I am making the transition again from Blogger to Xanga. Maybe I will write on here from time to time, but who knows what could happen.

I bid everyone a good one.

-Kat

I Have Nothing

Dear Blogger:

I have nothing. Nothing at all.
I have no one. No one at all.
I guess this is just how things are supposed to be like for me.
*sigh* I guess I just have to deal with it.

I really don't know what else to say. So this is it for now. I'm sorry.

-Kat

BFF No More

Dear Blogger:

EAR CANDY: No Doubt - "Don't Speak"

It has been nearly a week since the newest turning point in my life. I highly doubt the person would ever see this, but if he does, then I do not really care for things do not really matter anymore.

I lost my best friend. No, I haven't lost Kim or Naomi or Kellie or anyone like that. I'm referring to my best guy friend, Chris. Yeah... Things just blew up between us, and I really do not know why. All I know is that I am lost in what happened.

This is what happened: We have not really spoken in a couple months. I have sent him the occassional text to see how he was doing, what he was up to, how much I miss him. I've never gotten anything in return. After long weeks and weeks of this absurd behavior, I decided to just ask if there was something going on between us, if he was mad at me. What I got back in response shattered me. "Not mad. Resentful." Tell me... How would you feel if your best friend told you that and meant it? I was beyond torn. I tried to figure out what I did wrong to offend him so, but all I got back from his messages were that I was an "asshole," and that he was pissed off and hurt that I "didn't wanna hang out with just [him]" and that I apparently "treat people that [I] supposedly don't like with more kindness than [I] do [him]." He threw in somewhere that when I say "stfu" to him in front of others, it also hurt him and made him feel like a punching bag. I don't understand any of this because we were always joking around. He was always picking on me, saying worse things repeatedly, and we were just fine.

Whatever. I am done. I cried and cried for a long time. I even almost went back to the old habits that suffocated me before. Surprisingly, despite how badly it hurt at the time, I am moving on. I am now done with it all now.

-Kat

Old Habits Never Die Young

Dear Blogger:

EAR CANDY: Kelly Clarkson - "Already Gone"

You wouldn't think or believe it. She laughs and smiles all the time. Yet something is terribly wrong.

You only see her outer shell. You can't see inside her.

She's needs help. She wants to be free.

She's crying out. She's dying.

She's going back to her old habits.

-Kat

Bring It Back

Dear Blogger:

EAR CANDY: Jason DeRulo - "Bring it Back"

I think I am going to go back to Xanga. That is all.

-Kat

Structured Chaos

Dear Blogger:

I am a hypocrite. That's all I can say about myself. But I say it because I mean it. I mean it in the sense that I will be one way, but I just don't want to hear and/or see it over and over again from someone else.

My advice to you: Just suck it up. You don't have personal connections with these things or with these people. So don't piss and moan and cry over the little things.
I can't do anything about the things that happen to you. I can't change time. I can't change events that occur naturally. It happens. It's like. Deal with it.

On a side note, I am feeling better about things with myself. I had hit a rut a little while back, but now I am fine again. I have begun really honing in on structuring my life in a strict manner, and it seems to be working. I need to keep in line more often. I am slacking way too much. It's all going to change now though. I have things set up and I will follow through with them all. I never break the commitments I make.

-Kat

The News

Dear Blogger:

I am lagging it with this site and Xanga. I need to work on that. New Year's resolution shall be to start blogging some more. The end.

-Kat

Video of Love

Dear Blogger:

I know I said I would post sooner, but it's midterms right now, so I'm trying to tackle all that first. I will talk about my school life eventually. lol! But in the meantime..

I made a video. It might make your ears bleed. lol. Enjoy though.

-Kat

One Month

Dear Blogger:

It has been nearly a month. I have much to say, but so little time open for it.

This is too terse for my tastes, but I will for sure some back later because I need some self-remedy right about now.

-Kat

Nearly Forgotten

Dear Blogger:

So has this website died in itself as well? I feel like such a horrible person to have been so wrapped up in the present state of things in my life, that I went as far as to forget to tell you all about it. I apologize. Though.. I doubt anyone will even see this anymore. So with that, if no one is to reply to me by the end of this week, I shall just leave this be, post whenever I get the motivation to do so, and just go back to Xanga.

I officially start my new life tomorrow. The past couple of weeks have been filled with chores and shopping and college preparation. I can now use the title of Freshman again. lol.. I don't know if I should be proud of that, but I am proud to say that I have made some friends that I feel I will be very close to here at school. The people here are like the people I've known all my life, especially those in high school. Hell, this pretty much is like high school with a mix of summer camp. Everyone is so open, welcoming, warm and friendly here. It's crazy how I can relate to these people so much, yet feel so isolated at the same time. I miss my normal crowd for the company, friendship and shield of comfort and protection they gave me. But I am going to tough it out and show the world who I really am. I am going to excel. I plan on it.

Maybe I will update again soon. I don't know since all my classes this semester are academic and not the easy subjects either. Philosophy, Writing and Communications. Sheesh. If I don't post anytime soon, I shall try to do so when I go home for the holidays.

-Kat

Little Nothings

Dear Blogger:

EARGASM: Pussycat Dolls - "Happily Never After"

8 days.

Time is running out fast. I'm feel those anxious butterflies inside. Part of me is ecstatic and just itching to break free. Part of me is so damn scared. I don't know which side is more triumphant. Both are equals for now.

As I sit here, writing this, I've come to realize that I've nothing really to say. I just felt like leaving you all a post. But seeing as how things are nowadays, this has become pretty dead. I might decide to return to my former blog, but I can't leave certain hanging in case they do come back. Ugh.. I just don't know what to do now. My head is swimming.

Kat

No Rueful Mistakes

Dear Blogger:

1o days.

You all make me feel like I made the biggest mistake of my life. You all point your fingers and talk nonstop about how things are changing, and assume it's for the worst. You all think you know what's best for me. But what you don't realize is that you're all actually wrong. You don't know what's best for me. You really don't.

I'm suffocating from the everyday "life" I've been living and I need to break free. I need to have my own trial and errors. I need to get out into the world and experience it in it's rawness. I need this. So talk and sulk all you want. I'm leaving and I couldn't be more excited.

-Kat

Being Whimsical

Dear Blogger:

EARGASM: Meryl Streep - "The Winner Takes It All"

Seeing as how I can no longer keep sane and sleep, I've decided to go through some of these survey/quiz things that I've saved for a time such as this. I shall post them for you all to see and ridicule me for, that is, IF anyone actually will take the time to read through this.

I borrowed this from my beloved Stephanie, but I doubt she'd even mind.

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

Your ex says they love you, what do you say?
I don't believe I'd be able to say anything to them considering how each one has hurt so much. If I had to say something though, it would most likely be "...what..what did you just say? (name)..."

Are you the type of person who is often in off and on relationships?
No, I don't believe in this sort of affair to be an actual relationship because both people aren't working hard enough to be with the other.

Do you think you can last in a relationship for six months?
I don't think I can last in a six-month relationship. I KNOW I can do it, just look at the past 3 that I've been in (14 months, 2 1/2 years, 1 1/2 years).

What do you like better: hot chocolate or apple cider?
It would really depend on the occasion, but I would have to say that I've consumed more apple cider than hot chocolate in my life.

Ever stayed up all night on the phone?
I've done so on several accounts and each time was well worth it.

Is it easy for others to make you feel awkward?
I think I make myself feel awkward more often than others creating that sensation.

Recently kissed anyone with the name starting with a N?
I have not kissed anyone recently, let alone anyone with a name beginning with an N.

What jewelry do you always wear?
I always wear the most valuable piece of jewelry I own: a bronze medallion with the initials 'J' and 'K' and a pewter ring with the words "For it is plain as anyone can see / We're simply meant to be." on a leather cord.

Do you believe everyone deserves a second chance?
I don't know if I believe that EVERYONE deserves a second chance, but I do believe that in any given situation, it is up to the decision-maker to make the call.

How did you get one of your scars?
All my scars have been from cuts, whether intentionally made by my own hands or on accident from mysterious causes.

Have you ever liked someone who had a girlfriend/boyfriend?
I try not to like people who have a significant other already, but sometimes you just can't help who you fall for. As for this question, my answer would have to be "yes."

Are you a shy person?
I'm a fairly outgoing person. Don't believe me? Just ask my closest friends Kim, May, Mariela, Naomi, Chris or Ralph. They can testify for me that I'm not all that shy...unless it comes to people I have deep interest in. But honestly, who doesn't ever get that timid when face-to-face with the person they like?

Ever walked on a rooftop?
Rooftop strolling is quite nice. It's quiet, calming and soothing at night.

Have you ever dated the same person twice?
I have and I don't regret one moment of that decision.

You're locked in a room with the person you last kissed, how is it?
Extremely emotional and intensely awkward wouldn't even begin to describe the encounter.

How many pills do you take a day?
I don't pop any pills, and if I do, it's usually a few baby pain killers such as Tylenol or Ibuprofen for headaches and menstrual cramps.

Do you think someone is talking smack about you behind your back?
Who doesn't talk smack behind my back? I know people do and I could give a rat's ass if they do. I've heard it all before and I'm not too worried over it.

What would you do if you found out the person you liked had a girlfriend/boyfriend?
If the person I liked had a girlfriend and I found out, I'd back off. I try to not be a "home wrecker" or whatever the term is, but if I really like that person and I don't see the relationship working out between the guy and his then girlfriend, then all claws will be out.

Do you think you're wasting your time on the person you like?
I know I'm not wasting my time on the person I'm with right now. Time is never wasted between us. If anything, time is always too short for us to enjoy each other's company.

Ever dyed your hair?
I'd be lying if I said I never have. I've dyed my hair numerous times: red streaks, blonde streaks, blonde highlights, blonde top with black bottom, black all over. I'd love to dye my hair again though.

Honestly, has anyone seen you in your underwear in the past three months?
I walk around in my underwear after showering every day. So whoever sees me, sees me.

Have you held hands with anyone in the past 36 hours?
Do doggy paws count? If not, then I haven't held hands in the past 36 hours. I don't think I've held hands with anyone for months.

What are you most anxious/excited for?
Right now, I am most excited for the start of my new life in college in Hawaii.

Do you believe in true love?
You know what? I do believe in true love. I believe there IS someone out there for everyone, though I'm not entirely sure I believe so much in the whole "there's ONE soulmate for everyone" bit anymore.

Do you want kids?
I would love to start my own family some day, but that'll be in the later future.

Anyone ever tell you that you have pretty eyes?
I have had people tell me that I have pretty eyes, but I find them to be typical of an Asian girl: small, brown almond-shaped (chinky) eyes.

What did you do today?
I do what I do every day while on summer break: sit around on the computer, try to relax and unwind as best I can, eat and get fat, read and write.

Have you thought "I want to be with this person forever"?
I have thought it before and I still do, though the person has changed over time.

Has anyone ever cheated on you? Do you think they regret it?
I've had a few guys cheat on me, but I don't think they regret it. They wanted it to happen, so I feel they don't really care much over what happens to me. It's fine though; I moved on from them.

Met anyone new this year?
I've met a ton of new people this year and I know I'll meet even more awesome people in a few weeks time.

Do you prefer regular or chocolate milk?
Strawberry or soy milk aren't options? This is complete and utter bogus-ness.

Has anyone told you that they like you more than a friend recently?
There was one person who did, but I can't go down that path at all since it's something from the past that's been vainly attempting to rekindle the dead flame.

Have you ever slept on a couch with someone else?
I have slept on a couch with someone else and I enjoyed every moment of it. It was so warm and cozy. I liked the intimacy of being so close to and comfortable with someone to fall asleep with them.

Let's start it off with, are you available?
Why is this question posed here? It's ridiculous. Presently I am available, but dating-wise, I am not.

What school does the last person you kissed attend?
The last person who kissed me attends College of the Canyons I believe.

Is there someone you don't ever want to be out of your life?
There are several people I don't ever want to be out of my life, but considering how life is so cruel and unfortunate, many of them have left.

Does the last person you kissed care about you?
Honestly, I really don't know anymore. I'd like to hope he does, but I have a huge doubt that he doesn't...and it hurts...

Have you ever thought you were gonna die?
I know I'm going to die eventually. Hopefully my time won't be any time in the near future, but I have come close to death before.

What are you currently hearing right now?
I hear a multitude of sounds: the water sprinkler, the crickets chirping, the neighborhood dogs barking, the low hum of the television sets in my house. The voices in my head that haunt me.

Is it hard for you to get over someone?
Do I really have to answer this? I think it's quite obvious that it is excruciatingly difficult for me to get over SOMEONE. Normally I would be just fine after a few days of tears and anger and whatever emotion runs through me, but this time around is the hardest I've ever experienced.

Were you happy when you woke up today?
I never slept last night, so I couldn't have woken up today. As for being happy, I wasn't.

What kind of mood are you in today?
Today I was in a depressing mood, but when am I not ever feeling slightly depressed?

Would you kiss the last person you kissed again?
I don't know if I could bring myself to do it. I hurt so much still, but I would kiss him again.

Honestly, who was the last person to tell you that they love you?
The last person to tell me that they loved me was the one who tells me that every day: Brad.

Will this weekend be a good one?
I can't predict the future, nor would I want to jinx it. With that being said, I'll just remain neutral on this one.

What's on your schedule for tomorrow?
I think I will eat and sit around on the computer and possibly begin to get through the ever-growing stack of movies my uncle left for me to watch.

What did you realize today?
Today I realized that I am still not okay.

How do you treat someone when you are angry with them?
It depends on the person. I am usually passive aggressive, but if you really get to me, then you will be the beastly bitch within.

Is there anything in your past that you'd like to do again?
I'd love to live my elementary school years again because everything was so carefree and less dramatic. I'd love to do a ton of things, but the past is the past. You can't dwell too long on the memories; they're just memories afterall.

If someone liked you, would you want them to tell you?
I do want them to tell me if they liked me. I hate beating around the bush. You'll get better results with being direct and clear with the person you're conversing with.

How many Advil's do you take at a time?
I don't take Advil's. If I took any form of pain killer, I usually take one at a time.

Do you have a friend that is a complete and total flirt around everyone?
I know a handful of people who are complete and total flirts around everyone. They make me laugh.

A broken heart is...?
Something I always am afraid of, but will risk, when throwing my line into the sea of love and getting a bite I'm intrigued by.

Can you count your serious relationships on one hand?
Define "serious" and I'll tell you. Just kidding. Yes, I can count them on one hand.

Kissed anyone with the name starting with an A, T, D, S, R, B, J, K or M?
I've kissed someone with a name beginning with two of the letters mentioned.

Do you hope your children are like you one day?
I don't know if I'd want my children to be like me one day. I'd like for them to have some of the qualities I possess, but I don't want them to be replicas of me. I want them to be themselves, whoever they may turn out to be, and to be better.

Has anyone told you they would never leave and left?
I've had so many people make promises like that only to break them.

Would you ever smile at a stranger?
I smile all the time, so I'm pretty sure I've smiled at a few strangers before. Hey, technically all my friends were strangers at some point in time.

Are you one of those Twilight crazy people?
Oh God. Those people need to seriously hide in a ditch. I read the books; I thought they were decent. The series all boils down to a vampire version of Romeo and Juliet. It's nothing new, nothing to go crazy about.

Where were you earlier?
I was all around the house, trying to feel exhausted enough to pass out and rest.

-Kat

Nonchalant Nostalgia

Dear Blogger:

EARGASM: Theory of a Deadman - "Not Meant to Be"

The inevitable nostalgia came crashing down upon the helpless individual and she was caught too deep in her own memories. The small recollections of her past were all too much and too soon for her poor soul to divulge in. She found herself suffocating in a world of what seemed to be surrealism, only to find that none of it was fabricated, but were actual pieces of her. She hated the feeling of having lived those moments for she was completely lost now without them.

That girl didn't want to be in the state she was in. That girl wanted to break free. That girl wanted to live. That girl didn't want to feel the negativity of the world she threw herself into. That girl didn't want to miss it all.
But that girl couldn't escape. Why? you may ask. It's quite simple. That girl is still me.

-Kat